The Greatest Trip...

The last seven months have been the greatest trip of my life. I have taken the reins of my life and, for the most part, I have stepped, acted and spoke with intention. For me, the last seven months prove further a truth I have held for most of my life - unfortunately, a seed planted from early hurt - that pain is not an end-all but a begin-again and begin-again with vigor and passion.

Everyday I begin again...if I sense fear, I dare it; if I perceive an interest, I follow it; if I conjure a dream, I live it.

For me, pain and loss take me closer to authenticity and nearer to the life I walk this earth in search of...

I aim to be my own muse...

...to inspire the greatest love letters, love songs and poems.

So to me and for me, I dedicate the greatest love stories ever put into words and I regard the relationship I have with myself as priority over much else.

Just an idea I wanted to plant...somewhere.

Living on Purpose

I choose where I go and with whom. I choose what path and the pace along the way. I choose my actions and words.

I am living on purpose with bated breath.

CLOSED

She did it again.

She knocked on the door that she knew would open even though all signs pointed to an absence within the walls inside. She calls my bluff every time.

However - I have reached my limit. I have been used as her therapeutic tool once too long...and I told her. Once I realized that she was working out her issues through me, I could recognize that 'fed upon' feeling that I used to feel from her...as if I was being consumed.

I am closed now.

For her.

To marry my soul...

You must marry your soul.
That wedding is the way.
~Rumi

Since my break-up, my life seems to have completely exploded in a remarkably beautiful way! Unfolding with possibility, newness, beauty, chances, risks - I have leaped beyond that which I thought I was capable, I have created and deepened bonds of friendships and blossomed as a person. I have been living my life like it's golden...nod to Jill Scott.

Today, I went surfing for the first time in my life. I am courting and being courted by a pretty terrific lady right now. She surfs and for her, it's soulfood, much like my yoga is for me. Since my 35th birthday, I have committed myself to living fuller, living large and outside the lines because I'm SO aware of this being my only shot and I have a desire to do it right...with brilliance. For me, that has meant my FIRST tattoo and another since - both marking where I have been while also speaking to where I'm going. I have taken up several hobbies that lend themselves to healthy and health-full living. I have committed to facing fear and walking through it however it manifests in my life or experiences.

So today - in the water of the ocean, I faced a fear. The depths of water that I cannot see into has always frightened me but I paddled out, far past the place in the water where my feet could touch the sandfloor beneath me and I dared its best.

I laid belly-down on the board and took my first wave that way...all the way in. Second wave, I was thrown from the board and received a nice blow to the shoulder and the head as the board swung around from the force of the water. The next time I was up on the board, I was caught off guard by a wave and thrust under the water - the incredible force was like nothing I had ever experienced and it caused an intense rush of adrenaline. The water was entering my mouth and coming out of my nose and vice versa. The power of the waves crushing down on top of me had pulled my swimsuit from my shoulder exposing my breast and still I fought to surface.

Once I surfaced and retrieved the board that had been carried away from me, I laid my upper body over it and rested on my cheek...the buzz in me was humming and my heart was full.

I was A L I V E...

and I couldn't wait to do it again, having gained a little insight into what NOT to do.

I want to live the way I surfed today - with courage in the face of danger, grace in the face of blows and determination in the face of resistance.

I want to marry my soul for I can trust its wisdom and the path to which we are set to walk.

Happy Mother's Day

I was leaving dinner with my family this evening and felt such contentment - contentment I have not felt in such a long time. The fog has lifted from her - all the residual, emotional muck left behind in her wake. The contrast between life with her and life without her is telling and informs how I want to go forward in this world...for this life.

Distance can make the heart grow fonder for sure but distance can also make the heart grow up, heal, want for more - long for better. This is what our distance has done for me - I have grown up, healed, seen more and cultivated better. As a matter of fact, my orbit is like an exclusive club anymore...ID check at the door: "Are you better?", "Yes.", "Then welcome, c'mon in..." But if "no" - "Sorry - we have rules here. You'll have to find another place to land."

Back to my original story - as I walked out of the restaurant, I was holding my niece and as we walked to the car, we were taking in the sky and the trees...and I saw them.

For the first time in about a year - I saw it all.

I was relieved to see again - to sit in the moment, still and free of the need to change a thing. And it occurred to me that not only was I seeing the trees and the sky - I had seen the faces of my family members, I had appreciated them, I had laughed with them and held sacredly the moments of laughter and love we shared as we all sat around the table having dinner and catching up.

Happy Mother's Day - I am free. There is a different sort of birthing going on...

Gratitude

I am grateful for new friendships and for giggling into the wee hours of the night, sharing secrets and shaping bonds.

I am grateful for chocolate chip cookies baked by my daughter and her new friend.

I am grateful for the sweetness of my sleeping son - the peace I felt from watching him and cultivating the quiet space for his rest.

I am grateful for having had the space today to relax...with no expectations, with no urges to move or talk or do.

I am grateful for my morning yoga ritual - that I feel so drawn to care for my physical, mental and spiritual self does my heart good.

Happier

My new read by Tal Ben-Shahar..."Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment".

I'm not very far in but already, it has me thinking. In revisiting this nirvana that I find myself in right now, I think about my happiness - the core, non-contingent happiness. I have created a space within and around me where I author the steps, the path, the choices, the words, the heres and the nows, the haves and the not-necessaries. I am cultivating a balance like I have yet to know...yet.

I am far from naive. I know that what goes up must come down - the pendulum swings, all that jazz. I know I have not had my share of heartache and that it will come again. I have not had my share of loss, of pain, confusion and the maddening stir of my soul. This is life...the inevitable soulquake of life but from where I am standing right now, I am standing. I am crawling a lot less these days, crying a lot less and kneeling only when I give thanks, for the most part.

I am cultivating happiness that is contingent on nothing outside of me and pulsing from EVERYTHING within.

Nirvana

We have started talking again...the italicized her in previous posts.

I have to say though, I am being so careful - I am eyes wide open, heart well-guarded and mind clear.

Before, I think I was eyes shut tight, heart open and mind blurred. And not even just before with her...before in my life in general. I feel good about this and I feel content.

I am worth it though. And the truth is, I am relatively aware of who she is and what she brings and how we jive, and don't - I'd be remiss if I looked past that now with all of the clarity I have worked so hard to cultivate.

My life is amazing right now. I'm not going back because I simply can't - I won't. I feel like, in a short amount of time, I have created momentum toward all that I adore, toward passionate service and in the giving of my time and energy, I have found nirvana.

I am living nirvana.

We should all be able to say that...

The Dawn of the Mourning...

I am a little behind on papers I should really be writing for school right now - everything is due at the close of this coming weekend. Instead of working diligently on those, however, I used my day off to practice yoga, have coffee with a friend, lunch with my daughter and to pack my Christmas decorations away.

Yes. It's April.

In my defense, I have been in a limbo and it's time that I come out. I put the decorations up when she was here, we were getting ready for her family. When she left, I could hardly breathe much less fathom packing away decorations that filled a space redefining empty.

Today was the day though - I am on the brink of something big in my life. I can feel it - and I'm creating space (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually).

My yoga practice is changing my life right now - I'm trying new styles and studios, with friends and on my own. My body is getting stronger, my mind is getting stronger...my resolve is fortifying.

Something is happening. I used to tell my students that the physical body knows and holds stories that the mind has long repressed, so prepare to come undone.

I'm coming undone - in a beautiful way. The dawn of the mourning has arrived...

Save Your Social Grace

I met someone this weekend.

I was at a social gathering and feeling rather forward as I have since my break-up...it's a new me and I like it. I am really embracing my beauty and the force inside of me that animates every cell toward my own greatness and...well, it shows and it comes across in bold expressions of daring.

I connected with a gay gentleman at the social and he asked for my number. I replied with, "I'll give you my number on one condition." Of course he asked what that would be. "Make sure she gets it, " and I nodded in the direction of the beautiful lady with him that evening.

She has since sent me a text.

I fear I may have turned her off from here but only time will tell.

She shared something rather intimate with me in the text - it was unusual by mainstream standards but I find that people open up to me in ways that they rarely understand and it jives with me, so it's all good. I replied that it (what she shared) was a powerful story and she apologized, saying she wasn't sure why she sent it.

This is where I fear I lost her...my reply:

"It's all good - if you knew me better, you'd know I scoff at social graces and prefer to get to the core of a person...save all the fluff and give me the goods, ya know?"

I don't apologize. I meant it.

I would much rather navigate the richness of someone's inner world than lightly skate the surface...save that 'what do you do, who do you know' crap for the lightweights...I'm a soulquaker.

This field of openness and options is so new to me...I'm going to bask here for a while.

Honesty

Because if I am being honest, I am still healing...I'm not quite at a place where I am unaffected by the mention of her name, where I venture outside my apartment unguarded because the thought of running into her is light years from my mind, where certain songs are merely songs again ... instead, they are laden with memories, triggers - they can stop my breath and my body and they can grip my mind with a force that could reverse the orbit of the planets.

If I'm being honest...I long for the day when she doesn't consume my mind...and if I'm being honest, I am more at peace in the wake of her than I ever was in the company of her.

If I'm being honest - the detox is almost complete.


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The Fog Lifts

An afternoon spread with my friends and a movie...

Since her departure from my life, I have learned to live again...with zeal and wonder and a heart of lightness.

It's been over a month and during that time I have connected with old friends and made new friends, reconnected with my children and my self, my family and my job, my passions and my purpose.

I felt stunted by her - I allowed myself to be stunted...I allowed so much that I would have never let anyone else get away with...how did I allow her? It was almost imperceptible.

I am so happy as I move back into me, as I open myself, ever so slowly, to that which is waiting, to that which beckons, to that which tugs on the strings of my heart and my soul...longing for an answer.


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Slight Change of Plans...

So before I get to excavating myself, I have bit more work to do.

My partner of over a year left me for the last time almost two weeks ago. I say for the last time because I will NOT go back, I will not look back and I will not waver in my forward movement.

She had a lot going on mentally that I think she will fail to face for many more years to come but I cannot save her and I certainly cannot convince her that she might need to do some inner work - not only is that hard to hear from anyone, it's super hard to hear from someone you love.

Besides, she would never have heard me - she needed to believe it was all me and will probably move on from here with that as her bulwark.

So I move forward and when my mind wants to drift back to her, I re-route. Forward thinking, I say to myself and it's become my little way of retraining my mind. I know the power of the mind and I am using it to my benefit.

For now...I focus on me, my children, my friends, family, school and work.

The fog will lift and I will rise.

Excavating the Self in Me

As I get a little deeper into my schooling this semester, I am charged with the task of exploring me, getting to know me...understanding me.

Each class takes me a little deeper, asking just a little more and I know I must go and give if I am to be worthy of the relationship I seek between my client and myself later on - they will be giving me their raw material, their shadow, their insides - they will be giving me trust...they deserve for that to be sacred.

So I'm reading my text for this weekend's class and am presented with questions to dive a little deeper:

1. What do I want out of life?
2. What kind of person do I want to be?
3. Who am I?

I will spend the next week or so answering those questions - but for now...I'm off to work!

New Day...Pills Be Gone

I have come off the meds - thus the interruption in my daily tracking.

I don't know - my partner and I still fought and I still got stressed by the little nuances of life. I decided, 'why the hell not feel it?'

And feel with the same intensity I always have, feel with the intensity I know and recognize and embrace - it is my color.

I was talking with my daughter last night and she is starting to recognize her own intensity, recognizing especially how uncomfortable it makes her because she feels so different.

I explained to her that we, she and I, will always experience the world in a way that would bring other people to their knees - the beauty will inspire awe and stop us where we stand just as the dark will shadow all hope and paralyze even the breath that moves us.

This is what I know - if I'm going to be an effective therapist, I must be willing to explore my own mind, assess my own life and delve into the self-work that it takes to be self-actualized.

May I never turn away.

Day Eleven: Happy Pills

The pills seem defective - that or it's not me at all; it's the relationship I'm in driving me freakin' crazy and pills are defenseless.

I took my daily dose and even gave in to an afternoon dose of Xanax when the intensity of our drama became too much to handle.

I have to wonder - am I taking the pills to balance an emotional imbalance or am I taking the pills to survive?

Sometimes we can pit ourselves against each other so fiercely that the lines are drawn like an electric fence - no one gets out and no one gets in. I'm sitting here in the thick of it right now so I'm not capable of a distanced perspective - I need rest and space and I long for my clear mind but I'm giving this a month...one month.

Day Ten: Happy Pills

I feel as if this recording of states anymore is unnecessary - I feel even and less resistant to the meds.

I even enjoy the enhanced buzz when I have a beer or a glass of wine.

Moods today...hmmm. Manageable stress, do-able.

I have not felt pulled too far left or right...maybe this is the life of the medicated - dulled into submission.


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Day Nine: Happy Pills

Still even and no weird side effects popping up...well, nothing other than *ahem* - what I posted on Day Eight.

Stress has had less of a grip on me but I wonder how much of that is attributed to my knowing that I'm taking pills so I look for and possibly create change.

Hmmmm...

I had a fight with my baby today - not a big one but I thought this pill should have quelled that...guess I have high expectations of one little pill.


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Day Eight: Happy Pills

They are affecting my orgasms.

They must die.

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Day Seven: Happy Pills

The crazy broke through - at 5:00 AM, the crazy broke through. I didn't see it coming, didn't hear it coming and had not even cleaned the house in preparation for this guest.

I reacted to a thought that had been planted in my mind from a weekend happening 'seed'...it took root and blossomed into crazy.

I cried and became angry because I couldn't muster the tools on my own to manage what I was feeling.

This crazy bloom was just a couple of hours before my morning pill and I did notice a settling occur after my morning dose. Disheartening because I would have expected to experience more evenness in the wake of this medicine, especially now that I have been taking it for one week.

I suppose what I learned today is that the pills won't do it all - accountability still belongs to me.


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Day Six: Happy Pills

On the upside, I didn't have a headache today but am still having the typical high, which I will be very happy to move past so I hope it subsides with time.

I felt little freak-outs coming on at various parts of my afternoon but they were quickly and quietly moderated by the meds.

Typically, these little freak-outs might have escalated and moved beyond my control or quicker than my control (because I know it's all within my control). But this time, I felt the surge, rode the crest of the crazy wave and then rested back into evenness.

It was good.

A relief.

Because it's about time - about time that I can feel an emotion without succumbing to the wrath of it.

Perhaps with enough consistency my body and mind will learn a new way of being and the pills will no longer be necessary.

Day Three: Happy Pills

I woke with a feeling of general well-being...an overall peace. Then I took my pill and entered a 'high' like place after a 30 minute walk.

I drove my daughter to school and we chatted, having a great laugh when I pulled my car to the side of the road to assist a duck in crossing (traffic both ways really loved me) and then came home for a quick breakfast bite to try to curb the high I was feeling.

I feel pretty even and did NOT take the Xanax this morning - yesterday morning scared me and I can see how people become addicted. Upon first entrance into the system I feel good and settled - it curbs anxiety and anxious energy but the black hole it leaves behind, the contrast of darkness to light it exacerbates...well, it leaves a pit and I'm not sure I want to play with the darkness in my mind. And most might take another to relieve that darkness or lingering despair - not me. I see the potential for disaster in that cycle.

I am trying to come at this from the position of a scientist - I am a scientist of my body, my mind, my well-being and various states. I am studying, observing the effects this medication has on me - all of me - in order to best move to a place where I can live without it and find my own state of balance.

I feel hopeful...I just hope I'm still interesting when the meds fully take hold.

I don't want to lose my passion, my zeal and vigor, my color and depth...this is my biggest fear, not recognizing myself in the mirror, not understanding my own mind and not being the author of my life because the storyteller is captive to a cloak of control beyond hers.

Day Two: Happy Pills

I feel very off today - as if I'm teetering on the edge of a meltdown but held precariously in place by the thread of mental balance afforded by the pills I took this morning.

I took my daily anti-depressant but also took half of a Xanax. Unfortunately, it was that kind of morning...she laid right into me first thing and I was already barely holding myself together.

I woke feeling as if there was a dark shadow looming over me - it's like the 'clean' me, free of medicinal influence, is in a pit and looking for the illusion or numbing that the influence offers.

So I hold tight. Observing the world around me from this internal space...not sure what to expect, not sure what to feel...if I can.

I'm also very tired - I did manage my yoga practice this morning and a 30-minute walk afterwards...I wanted to witness something beautiful outside and I did. The sun was shining through the rain clouds in the distance over the river, breaking through with brilliance and determination.

I will continue with Xanax in addition to the daily depressant for just a few more days. By then, it is my hope that the anti-depressant will have filled my system adequately and I will feel balanced.

Oddly, I look at this as a reprieve - a vessel holding my feelings and emotions during a time when I have not the strength.

Day One: Happy Pills

I am of the common folk now.

I have officially arrived to the place where I can no longer control my ups and downs and have turned any real control over to meds.

I just went to the doctor for a pain in my chest and when all tests came back clear, I was treated for stress and severe anxiety.

As a scientist at heart, especially over my own body and experience - I took two Xanax. One last night, in two separate halves and dosages spaced out and then one this morning with my Celexa. Then I waited to note the effects...still data collecting.

I'm going to stop drinking for awhile - partly to avoid interference with my medicine but also to avoid a counteraction. Alcohol is a depressant.

I felt defeated and liberated when I left the doctor's office - finally. A break from me and the internal swirling on the inside - the chaotic shifting, swelling and withdrawing. My stress has become chronic and I'll try anything.

I can't help but feel, however, that I stand to lose the color of me, the variations of me...the 'real' me. I feel pretty even this morning but I'm drugged...muted.

I'm pretty sure that's the Xanax - the Celexa is 'supposed' to produce general feelings of well-being provided my hair doesn't fall out and I don't lose my sex drive.

So...here I am.

Common.

Unable to harness the power of my own mind for change - instead I am reliant on pharmaceuticals to produce the necessary chemicals in my brain to induce equilibrium.

I feel colorless...I feel like a failure.

So how is it that I am also slightly and strangely relieved?

The Green Monster

I have just finished a walk...anything to get out of my head, to stop this loop.

I practiced for a bit this morning but could not stop the reel of jealous thoughts I'm having, couldn't mend the hurt feelings.

Jealousy is ugly - it causes me to not be able to recognize myself or like myself very much.

So there's that to contend with. And I can be more patient with myself than others - I can't expect her to hold every insecurity of mine without breaking.

My practice today is to surrender...to unclench the clenching going on inside, mentally and emotionally.


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Musings of the Morning

Against my emotional center's pleas, I stepped on the mat to practice.

There were no big revelations and no real 'letting go'...of anything.

My mind gripped the thoughts of her. The words exchanged in our most recent arguments streaming through my mind, a consistent live feed. The longing for her consuming all parts of me capable of distraction.

I have so much on the horizon for me right now and though I have yet to give an adequate introduction to this blog, I think it's becoming more clear that it's just my life...wherever I am at the moment, whatever I'm feeling at the time and whatever I think about the hand I'm holding.

Where I am right now is about to start grad school - Florida State University's Masters in Social Work program, a weekend program for the working professional. I have two children and a wonderful job serving victims of sexual assault.

Blah-dee, blah-dee, blah.

I am also in a relationship that is hanging in the balance...funny because it's where we've spent a great deal of our time together - hanging in the balance.

So sad because we love each other. We really do.

But I fear that the 'thing' that brings us to this point so frequently is the 'thing' we should pay attention to and attend to. Unfortunately, I fear this 'thing' will surely mean the end of us.

How can I love her, need her, long for her, bask in her, enjoy her, adore her...and find myself here?

This is not easy - relationships, when you really pay attention and invest yourself, are some of our most complex work.

The Dance of Practice

I just left the yoga studio where I had a practice that was like making love on the mat - making love with spirit, with beauty, with forgiveness and grace, with peace and plenitude...like making love with truth.

I needed that sort of practice because my relationship lately is causing suffering - immense suffering in my life and I am desperate for beauty, for peace and for love...especially love for and of me.

My mind was so connected to my body and my body to my mind - we were fluid and danced on the mat to the rhythm of my breath...the inhale and exhale of taking in and letting go.

Symbolic it is...beautiful it is...healing.

Where to start...

The last year of my life has been a whirl-wind and I have been taken from center, tossed back disoriented and confused, only to be thrown again.

I attribute most of this to my current relationship, which always feels questionable and uncertain. There is love there but there is also passion that can bind us or rip us to pieces and we often succumb to the latter.

Knowing yourself is one thing, knowing yourself in relation to someone else is something else entirely.

Ah well - the future is uncertain but then, that's the nature of the 'future' - it's always unbeknownst to us at present.

I find my way through my words and so...this is my story for now and it will unfold into greater detail and diverge into many paths...of this, we can be certain.