Day One: Happy Pills

I am of the common folk now.

I have officially arrived to the place where I can no longer control my ups and downs and have turned any real control over to meds.

I just went to the doctor for a pain in my chest and when all tests came back clear, I was treated for stress and severe anxiety.

As a scientist at heart, especially over my own body and experience - I took two Xanax. One last night, in two separate halves and dosages spaced out and then one this morning with my Celexa. Then I waited to note the effects...still data collecting.

I'm going to stop drinking for awhile - partly to avoid interference with my medicine but also to avoid a counteraction. Alcohol is a depressant.

I felt defeated and liberated when I left the doctor's office - finally. A break from me and the internal swirling on the inside - the chaotic shifting, swelling and withdrawing. My stress has become chronic and I'll try anything.

I can't help but feel, however, that I stand to lose the color of me, the variations of me...the 'real' me. I feel pretty even this morning but I'm drugged...muted.

I'm pretty sure that's the Xanax - the Celexa is 'supposed' to produce general feelings of well-being provided my hair doesn't fall out and I don't lose my sex drive.

So...here I am.

Common.

Unable to harness the power of my own mind for change - instead I am reliant on pharmaceuticals to produce the necessary chemicals in my brain to induce equilibrium.

I feel colorless...I feel like a failure.

So how is it that I am also slightly and strangely relieved?