Day Two: Happy Pills

I feel very off today - as if I'm teetering on the edge of a meltdown but held precariously in place by the thread of mental balance afforded by the pills I took this morning.

I took my daily anti-depressant but also took half of a Xanax. Unfortunately, it was that kind of morning...she laid right into me first thing and I was already barely holding myself together.

I woke feeling as if there was a dark shadow looming over me - it's like the 'clean' me, free of medicinal influence, is in a pit and looking for the illusion or numbing that the influence offers.

So I hold tight. Observing the world around me from this internal space...not sure what to expect, not sure what to feel...if I can.

I'm also very tired - I did manage my yoga practice this morning and a 30-minute walk afterwards...I wanted to witness something beautiful outside and I did. The sun was shining through the rain clouds in the distance over the river, breaking through with brilliance and determination.

I will continue with Xanax in addition to the daily depressant for just a few more days. By then, it is my hope that the anti-depressant will have filled my system adequately and I will feel balanced.

Oddly, I look at this as a reprieve - a vessel holding my feelings and emotions during a time when I have not the strength.