Day Three: Happy Pills

I woke with a feeling of general well-being...an overall peace. Then I took my pill and entered a 'high' like place after a 30 minute walk.

I drove my daughter to school and we chatted, having a great laugh when I pulled my car to the side of the road to assist a duck in crossing (traffic both ways really loved me) and then came home for a quick breakfast bite to try to curb the high I was feeling.

I feel pretty even and did NOT take the Xanax this morning - yesterday morning scared me and I can see how people become addicted. Upon first entrance into the system I feel good and settled - it curbs anxiety and anxious energy but the black hole it leaves behind, the contrast of darkness to light it exacerbates...well, it leaves a pit and I'm not sure I want to play with the darkness in my mind. And most might take another to relieve that darkness or lingering despair - not me. I see the potential for disaster in that cycle.

I am trying to come at this from the position of a scientist - I am a scientist of my body, my mind, my well-being and various states. I am studying, observing the effects this medication has on me - all of me - in order to best move to a place where I can live without it and find my own state of balance.

I feel hopeful...I just hope I'm still interesting when the meds fully take hold.

I don't want to lose my passion, my zeal and vigor, my color and depth...this is my biggest fear, not recognizing myself in the mirror, not understanding my own mind and not being the author of my life because the storyteller is captive to a cloak of control beyond hers.