Day Seven: Happy Pills

The crazy broke through - at 5:00 AM, the crazy broke through. I didn't see it coming, didn't hear it coming and had not even cleaned the house in preparation for this guest.

I reacted to a thought that had been planted in my mind from a weekend happening 'seed'...it took root and blossomed into crazy.

I cried and became angry because I couldn't muster the tools on my own to manage what I was feeling.

This crazy bloom was just a couple of hours before my morning pill and I did notice a settling occur after my morning dose. Disheartening because I would have expected to experience more evenness in the wake of this medicine, especially now that I have been taking it for one week.

I suppose what I learned today is that the pills won't do it all - accountability still belongs to me.


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Day Six: Happy Pills

On the upside, I didn't have a headache today but am still having the typical high, which I will be very happy to move past so I hope it subsides with time.

I felt little freak-outs coming on at various parts of my afternoon but they were quickly and quietly moderated by the meds.

Typically, these little freak-outs might have escalated and moved beyond my control or quicker than my control (because I know it's all within my control). But this time, I felt the surge, rode the crest of the crazy wave and then rested back into evenness.

It was good.

A relief.

Because it's about time - about time that I can feel an emotion without succumbing to the wrath of it.

Perhaps with enough consistency my body and mind will learn a new way of being and the pills will no longer be necessary.

Day Three: Happy Pills

I woke with a feeling of general well-being...an overall peace. Then I took my pill and entered a 'high' like place after a 30 minute walk.

I drove my daughter to school and we chatted, having a great laugh when I pulled my car to the side of the road to assist a duck in crossing (traffic both ways really loved me) and then came home for a quick breakfast bite to try to curb the high I was feeling.

I feel pretty even and did NOT take the Xanax this morning - yesterday morning scared me and I can see how people become addicted. Upon first entrance into the system I feel good and settled - it curbs anxiety and anxious energy but the black hole it leaves behind, the contrast of darkness to light it exacerbates...well, it leaves a pit and I'm not sure I want to play with the darkness in my mind. And most might take another to relieve that darkness or lingering despair - not me. I see the potential for disaster in that cycle.

I am trying to come at this from the position of a scientist - I am a scientist of my body, my mind, my well-being and various states. I am studying, observing the effects this medication has on me - all of me - in order to best move to a place where I can live without it and find my own state of balance.

I feel hopeful...I just hope I'm still interesting when the meds fully take hold.

I don't want to lose my passion, my zeal and vigor, my color and depth...this is my biggest fear, not recognizing myself in the mirror, not understanding my own mind and not being the author of my life because the storyteller is captive to a cloak of control beyond hers.

Day Two: Happy Pills

I feel very off today - as if I'm teetering on the edge of a meltdown but held precariously in place by the thread of mental balance afforded by the pills I took this morning.

I took my daily anti-depressant but also took half of a Xanax. Unfortunately, it was that kind of morning...she laid right into me first thing and I was already barely holding myself together.

I woke feeling as if there was a dark shadow looming over me - it's like the 'clean' me, free of medicinal influence, is in a pit and looking for the illusion or numbing that the influence offers.

So I hold tight. Observing the world around me from this internal space...not sure what to expect, not sure what to feel...if I can.

I'm also very tired - I did manage my yoga practice this morning and a 30-minute walk afterwards...I wanted to witness something beautiful outside and I did. The sun was shining through the rain clouds in the distance over the river, breaking through with brilliance and determination.

I will continue with Xanax in addition to the daily depressant for just a few more days. By then, it is my hope that the anti-depressant will have filled my system adequately and I will feel balanced.

Oddly, I look at this as a reprieve - a vessel holding my feelings and emotions during a time when I have not the strength.

Day One: Happy Pills

I am of the common folk now.

I have officially arrived to the place where I can no longer control my ups and downs and have turned any real control over to meds.

I just went to the doctor for a pain in my chest and when all tests came back clear, I was treated for stress and severe anxiety.

As a scientist at heart, especially over my own body and experience - I took two Xanax. One last night, in two separate halves and dosages spaced out and then one this morning with my Celexa. Then I waited to note the effects...still data collecting.

I'm going to stop drinking for awhile - partly to avoid interference with my medicine but also to avoid a counteraction. Alcohol is a depressant.

I felt defeated and liberated when I left the doctor's office - finally. A break from me and the internal swirling on the inside - the chaotic shifting, swelling and withdrawing. My stress has become chronic and I'll try anything.

I can't help but feel, however, that I stand to lose the color of me, the variations of me...the 'real' me. I feel pretty even this morning but I'm drugged...muted.

I'm pretty sure that's the Xanax - the Celexa is 'supposed' to produce general feelings of well-being provided my hair doesn't fall out and I don't lose my sex drive.

So...here I am.

Common.

Unable to harness the power of my own mind for change - instead I am reliant on pharmaceuticals to produce the necessary chemicals in my brain to induce equilibrium.

I feel colorless...I feel like a failure.

So how is it that I am also slightly and strangely relieved?

The Green Monster

I have just finished a walk...anything to get out of my head, to stop this loop.

I practiced for a bit this morning but could not stop the reel of jealous thoughts I'm having, couldn't mend the hurt feelings.

Jealousy is ugly - it causes me to not be able to recognize myself or like myself very much.

So there's that to contend with. And I can be more patient with myself than others - I can't expect her to hold every insecurity of mine without breaking.

My practice today is to surrender...to unclench the clenching going on inside, mentally and emotionally.


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Musings of the Morning

Against my emotional center's pleas, I stepped on the mat to practice.

There were no big revelations and no real 'letting go'...of anything.

My mind gripped the thoughts of her. The words exchanged in our most recent arguments streaming through my mind, a consistent live feed. The longing for her consuming all parts of me capable of distraction.

I have so much on the horizon for me right now and though I have yet to give an adequate introduction to this blog, I think it's becoming more clear that it's just my life...wherever I am at the moment, whatever I'm feeling at the time and whatever I think about the hand I'm holding.

Where I am right now is about to start grad school - Florida State University's Masters in Social Work program, a weekend program for the working professional. I have two children and a wonderful job serving victims of sexual assault.

Blah-dee, blah-dee, blah.

I am also in a relationship that is hanging in the balance...funny because it's where we've spent a great deal of our time together - hanging in the balance.

So sad because we love each other. We really do.

But I fear that the 'thing' that brings us to this point so frequently is the 'thing' we should pay attention to and attend to. Unfortunately, I fear this 'thing' will surely mean the end of us.

How can I love her, need her, long for her, bask in her, enjoy her, adore her...and find myself here?

This is not easy - relationships, when you really pay attention and invest yourself, are some of our most complex work.

The Dance of Practice

I just left the yoga studio where I had a practice that was like making love on the mat - making love with spirit, with beauty, with forgiveness and grace, with peace and plenitude...like making love with truth.

I needed that sort of practice because my relationship lately is causing suffering - immense suffering in my life and I am desperate for beauty, for peace and for love...especially love for and of me.

My mind was so connected to my body and my body to my mind - we were fluid and danced on the mat to the rhythm of my breath...the inhale and exhale of taking in and letting go.

Symbolic it is...beautiful it is...healing.

Where to start...

The last year of my life has been a whirl-wind and I have been taken from center, tossed back disoriented and confused, only to be thrown again.

I attribute most of this to my current relationship, which always feels questionable and uncertain. There is love there but there is also passion that can bind us or rip us to pieces and we often succumb to the latter.

Knowing yourself is one thing, knowing yourself in relation to someone else is something else entirely.

Ah well - the future is uncertain but then, that's the nature of the 'future' - it's always unbeknownst to us at present.

I find my way through my words and so...this is my story for now and it will unfold into greater detail and diverge into many paths...of this, we can be certain.