Slight Change of Plans...

So before I get to excavating myself, I have bit more work to do.

My partner of over a year left me for the last time almost two weeks ago. I say for the last time because I will NOT go back, I will not look back and I will not waver in my forward movement.

She had a lot going on mentally that I think she will fail to face for many more years to come but I cannot save her and I certainly cannot convince her that she might need to do some inner work - not only is that hard to hear from anyone, it's super hard to hear from someone you love.

Besides, she would never have heard me - she needed to believe it was all me and will probably move on from here with that as her bulwark.

So I move forward and when my mind wants to drift back to her, I re-route. Forward thinking, I say to myself and it's become my little way of retraining my mind. I know the power of the mind and I am using it to my benefit.

For now...I focus on me, my children, my friends, family, school and work.

The fog will lift and I will rise.

Excavating the Self in Me

As I get a little deeper into my schooling this semester, I am charged with the task of exploring me, getting to know me...understanding me.

Each class takes me a little deeper, asking just a little more and I know I must go and give if I am to be worthy of the relationship I seek between my client and myself later on - they will be giving me their raw material, their shadow, their insides - they will be giving me trust...they deserve for that to be sacred.

So I'm reading my text for this weekend's class and am presented with questions to dive a little deeper:

1. What do I want out of life?
2. What kind of person do I want to be?
3. Who am I?

I will spend the next week or so answering those questions - but for now...I'm off to work!

New Day...Pills Be Gone

I have come off the meds - thus the interruption in my daily tracking.

I don't know - my partner and I still fought and I still got stressed by the little nuances of life. I decided, 'why the hell not feel it?'

And feel with the same intensity I always have, feel with the intensity I know and recognize and embrace - it is my color.

I was talking with my daughter last night and she is starting to recognize her own intensity, recognizing especially how uncomfortable it makes her because she feels so different.

I explained to her that we, she and I, will always experience the world in a way that would bring other people to their knees - the beauty will inspire awe and stop us where we stand just as the dark will shadow all hope and paralyze even the breath that moves us.

This is what I know - if I'm going to be an effective therapist, I must be willing to explore my own mind, assess my own life and delve into the self-work that it takes to be self-actualized.

May I never turn away.

Day Eleven: Happy Pills

The pills seem defective - that or it's not me at all; it's the relationship I'm in driving me freakin' crazy and pills are defenseless.

I took my daily dose and even gave in to an afternoon dose of Xanax when the intensity of our drama became too much to handle.

I have to wonder - am I taking the pills to balance an emotional imbalance or am I taking the pills to survive?

Sometimes we can pit ourselves against each other so fiercely that the lines are drawn like an electric fence - no one gets out and no one gets in. I'm sitting here in the thick of it right now so I'm not capable of a distanced perspective - I need rest and space and I long for my clear mind but I'm giving this a month...one month.

Day Ten: Happy Pills

I feel as if this recording of states anymore is unnecessary - I feel even and less resistant to the meds.

I even enjoy the enhanced buzz when I have a beer or a glass of wine.

Moods today...hmmm. Manageable stress, do-able.

I have not felt pulled too far left or right...maybe this is the life of the medicated - dulled into submission.


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Day Nine: Happy Pills

Still even and no weird side effects popping up...well, nothing other than *ahem* - what I posted on Day Eight.

Stress has had less of a grip on me but I wonder how much of that is attributed to my knowing that I'm taking pills so I look for and possibly create change.

Hmmmm...

I had a fight with my baby today - not a big one but I thought this pill should have quelled that...guess I have high expectations of one little pill.


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Day Eight: Happy Pills

They are affecting my orgasms.

They must die.

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