Gratitude

I am grateful for new friendships and for giggling into the wee hours of the night, sharing secrets and shaping bonds.

I am grateful for chocolate chip cookies baked by my daughter and her new friend.

I am grateful for the sweetness of my sleeping son - the peace I felt from watching him and cultivating the quiet space for his rest.

I am grateful for having had the space today to relax...with no expectations, with no urges to move or talk or do.

I am grateful for my morning yoga ritual - that I feel so drawn to care for my physical, mental and spiritual self does my heart good.

Happier

My new read by Tal Ben-Shahar..."Learn the Secrets to Daily Joy and Lasting Fulfillment".

I'm not very far in but already, it has me thinking. In revisiting this nirvana that I find myself in right now, I think about my happiness - the core, non-contingent happiness. I have created a space within and around me where I author the steps, the path, the choices, the words, the heres and the nows, the haves and the not-necessaries. I am cultivating a balance like I have yet to know...yet.

I am far from naive. I know that what goes up must come down - the pendulum swings, all that jazz. I know I have not had my share of heartache and that it will come again. I have not had my share of loss, of pain, confusion and the maddening stir of my soul. This is life...the inevitable soulquake of life but from where I am standing right now, I am standing. I am crawling a lot less these days, crying a lot less and kneeling only when I give thanks, for the most part.

I am cultivating happiness that is contingent on nothing outside of me and pulsing from EVERYTHING within.

Nirvana

We have started talking again...the italicized her in previous posts.

I have to say though, I am being so careful - I am eyes wide open, heart well-guarded and mind clear.

Before, I think I was eyes shut tight, heart open and mind blurred. And not even just before with her...before in my life in general. I feel good about this and I feel content.

I am worth it though. And the truth is, I am relatively aware of who she is and what she brings and how we jive, and don't - I'd be remiss if I looked past that now with all of the clarity I have worked so hard to cultivate.

My life is amazing right now. I'm not going back because I simply can't - I won't. I feel like, in a short amount of time, I have created momentum toward all that I adore, toward passionate service and in the giving of my time and energy, I have found nirvana.

I am living nirvana.

We should all be able to say that...

The Dawn of the Mourning...

I am a little behind on papers I should really be writing for school right now - everything is due at the close of this coming weekend. Instead of working diligently on those, however, I used my day off to practice yoga, have coffee with a friend, lunch with my daughter and to pack my Christmas decorations away.

Yes. It's April.

In my defense, I have been in a limbo and it's time that I come out. I put the decorations up when she was here, we were getting ready for her family. When she left, I could hardly breathe much less fathom packing away decorations that filled a space redefining empty.

Today was the day though - I am on the brink of something big in my life. I can feel it - and I'm creating space (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually).

My yoga practice is changing my life right now - I'm trying new styles and studios, with friends and on my own. My body is getting stronger, my mind is getting stronger...my resolve is fortifying.

Something is happening. I used to tell my students that the physical body knows and holds stories that the mind has long repressed, so prepare to come undone.

I'm coming undone - in a beautiful way. The dawn of the mourning has arrived...

Save Your Social Grace

I met someone this weekend.

I was at a social gathering and feeling rather forward as I have since my break-up...it's a new me and I like it. I am really embracing my beauty and the force inside of me that animates every cell toward my own greatness and...well, it shows and it comes across in bold expressions of daring.

I connected with a gay gentleman at the social and he asked for my number. I replied with, "I'll give you my number on one condition." Of course he asked what that would be. "Make sure she gets it, " and I nodded in the direction of the beautiful lady with him that evening.

She has since sent me a text.

I fear I may have turned her off from here but only time will tell.

She shared something rather intimate with me in the text - it was unusual by mainstream standards but I find that people open up to me in ways that they rarely understand and it jives with me, so it's all good. I replied that it (what she shared) was a powerful story and she apologized, saying she wasn't sure why she sent it.

This is where I fear I lost her...my reply:

"It's all good - if you knew me better, you'd know I scoff at social graces and prefer to get to the core of a person...save all the fluff and give me the goods, ya know?"

I don't apologize. I meant it.

I would much rather navigate the richness of someone's inner world than lightly skate the surface...save that 'what do you do, who do you know' crap for the lightweights...I'm a soulquaker.

This field of openness and options is so new to me...I'm going to bask here for a while.