The Greatest Trip...

The last seven months have been the greatest trip of my life. I have taken the reins of my life and, for the most part, I have stepped, acted and spoke with intention. For me, the last seven months prove further a truth I have held for most of my life - unfortunately, a seed planted from early hurt - that pain is not an end-all but a begin-again and begin-again with vigor and passion.

Everyday I begin again...if I sense fear, I dare it; if I perceive an interest, I follow it; if I conjure a dream, I live it.

For me, pain and loss take me closer to authenticity and nearer to the life I walk this earth in search of...

I aim to be my own muse...

...to inspire the greatest love letters, love songs and poems.

So to me and for me, I dedicate the greatest love stories ever put into words and I regard the relationship I have with myself as priority over much else.

Just an idea I wanted to plant...somewhere.

Living on Purpose

I choose where I go and with whom. I choose what path and the pace along the way. I choose my actions and words.

I am living on purpose with bated breath.

CLOSED

She did it again.

She knocked on the door that she knew would open even though all signs pointed to an absence within the walls inside. She calls my bluff every time.

However - I have reached my limit. I have been used as her therapeutic tool once too long...and I told her. Once I realized that she was working out her issues through me, I could recognize that 'fed upon' feeling that I used to feel from her...as if I was being consumed.

I am closed now.

For her.

To marry my soul...

You must marry your soul.
That wedding is the way.
~Rumi

Since my break-up, my life seems to have completely exploded in a remarkably beautiful way! Unfolding with possibility, newness, beauty, chances, risks - I have leaped beyond that which I thought I was capable, I have created and deepened bonds of friendships and blossomed as a person. I have been living my life like it's golden...nod to Jill Scott.

Today, I went surfing for the first time in my life. I am courting and being courted by a pretty terrific lady right now. She surfs and for her, it's soulfood, much like my yoga is for me. Since my 35th birthday, I have committed myself to living fuller, living large and outside the lines because I'm SO aware of this being my only shot and I have a desire to do it right...with brilliance. For me, that has meant my FIRST tattoo and another since - both marking where I have been while also speaking to where I'm going. I have taken up several hobbies that lend themselves to healthy and health-full living. I have committed to facing fear and walking through it however it manifests in my life or experiences.

So today - in the water of the ocean, I faced a fear. The depths of water that I cannot see into has always frightened me but I paddled out, far past the place in the water where my feet could touch the sandfloor beneath me and I dared its best.

I laid belly-down on the board and took my first wave that way...all the way in. Second wave, I was thrown from the board and received a nice blow to the shoulder and the head as the board swung around from the force of the water. The next time I was up on the board, I was caught off guard by a wave and thrust under the water - the incredible force was like nothing I had ever experienced and it caused an intense rush of adrenaline. The water was entering my mouth and coming out of my nose and vice versa. The power of the waves crushing down on top of me had pulled my swimsuit from my shoulder exposing my breast and still I fought to surface.

Once I surfaced and retrieved the board that had been carried away from me, I laid my upper body over it and rested on my cheek...the buzz in me was humming and my heart was full.

I was A L I V E...

and I couldn't wait to do it again, having gained a little insight into what NOT to do.

I want to live the way I surfed today - with courage in the face of danger, grace in the face of blows and determination in the face of resistance.

I want to marry my soul for I can trust its wisdom and the path to which we are set to walk.

Happy Mother's Day

I was leaving dinner with my family this evening and felt such contentment - contentment I have not felt in such a long time. The fog has lifted from her - all the residual, emotional muck left behind in her wake. The contrast between life with her and life without her is telling and informs how I want to go forward in this world...for this life.

Distance can make the heart grow fonder for sure but distance can also make the heart grow up, heal, want for more - long for better. This is what our distance has done for me - I have grown up, healed, seen more and cultivated better. As a matter of fact, my orbit is like an exclusive club anymore...ID check at the door: "Are you better?", "Yes.", "Then welcome, c'mon in..." But if "no" - "Sorry - we have rules here. You'll have to find another place to land."

Back to my original story - as I walked out of the restaurant, I was holding my niece and as we walked to the car, we were taking in the sky and the trees...and I saw them.

For the first time in about a year - I saw it all.

I was relieved to see again - to sit in the moment, still and free of the need to change a thing. And it occurred to me that not only was I seeing the trees and the sky - I had seen the faces of my family members, I had appreciated them, I had laughed with them and held sacredly the moments of laughter and love we shared as we all sat around the table having dinner and catching up.

Happy Mother's Day - I am free. There is a different sort of birthing going on...

Gratitude

I am grateful for new friendships and for giggling into the wee hours of the night, sharing secrets and shaping bonds.

I am grateful for chocolate chip cookies baked by my daughter and her new friend.

I am grateful for the sweetness of my sleeping son - the peace I felt from watching him and cultivating the quiet space for his rest.

I am grateful for having had the space today to relax...with no expectations, with no urges to move or talk or do.

I am grateful for my morning yoga ritual - that I feel so drawn to care for my physical, mental and spiritual self does my heart good.